Art Meets Fashion: Collaboration

Hi there, I am sending you my first chapter to my dissertation to edit. The Title is Art Meets Fashion: Collaboration , however my tutor thinks it’s better to have the dates or the exact time period next to it to make things less vague. I have labeled in blue and red where I think the most problems lies however I would like you to really have a look at this chapter and please feel free to make a heavy edit to it. My main problem is there are way too many general statements in this piece of writing and there aren’t enough reliable literature supports to it. And also there are not enough examples to keep the reader’s interests. Some bits of the languages being used are perhaps not clear, or plain enough for people to read.